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< Animal Pragmatism

Written by: Chris Levinson and Jack Estrin

Season 2, Episode 13

Episode No. 35

[Scene: College. Phoebe's in class.]

Professor: The lions observed in the Ingoro goro crater of Tanzania, mated on average once an hour for a week straight. Before I lose half the room to that thought, answer me this. Where does it begin? And the purpose of all animals is that the proliferation of the species, right? (Phoebe sees a guy staring at her. She smiles.) But it isn't as easy as your nest or mine. It starts with a series of mating rituals. First, the animal must get the attention of the object it desires. (Phoebe looks at the guy again and she brushes her hair back.) Next, there must be a sign that the interest is mutual. (Three of Phoebe's friends are sitting behind her. One of them shows another something in a book. They giggle. Phoebe turns around.)

Phoebe: What's up with my study group having fun without me?

Andrea: Sorry, Phoebe, you looked busy.

Professor: Use your time in section tomorrow, tail line your group's thesis, be specific. Better yet, just spell check. See you next week.

(Everyone starts packing up. Phoebe turns around and looks at the cover of the book that Andrea is holding.)

Phoebe: Is that a book of love spells?

Andrea: Yeah, found it in the valentine display over at the campus bookstore.

(She hands it to Phoebe.)

Tessa: It's stupid.

Brooke: Is not.

Andrea: We just figured, you know, since we're dateless this year, maybe it'll give us some laughs.

(Phoebe laughs to herself while reading the book.)

Brooke: What?

Phoebe: Oh, nothing. It's just they've got it backwards. You'd never say it in that order. First you say what's lacking and then what's needed. Here, try this. "From strike of twelve count twenty-four, that's how long the spell is for, if to abate my lonely heart, enchant these gifts I thee impart." See? (They stare at her shocked.) Um, I'm doing a paper on the growing popularity of witchcraft. Hey, if you guys want something fun to do tomorrow night, you should check out my sister's club.

(She hands them a flier.)

Tessa, Brooke: Cool.

Phoebe: No dates required.

Andrea: Okay.

Tessa: We'll be there.

Phoebe: See you at the section tomorrow. (Phoebe stands up. Ethan, the guy that was staring at her, walks over to her.) Hey, there's a party tomorrow night. (She gets a flier out of her bag.) You should come.

Ethan: Why?

Phoebe: Because I'll be there.

[Scene: College. The dorm. Andrea, Tessa and Brooke are about to do the love spell. A pig, a rabbit and a snake are on the floor.]

Tessa: Okay, I'm freaked. Can we turn some lights on?

Brooke: No, we can't. Can we?

Andrea: It'll spoil the mood. Come on, it says to join hands.

(They join hands.)

Tessa: We're not gonna hurt them are we? Because I promised Ben that I would get his pig back to him tomorrow.

Brooke: It's a joke spell, Tessa. This is just supposed to be fun. I mean, you can choose any animal to turn into a man and you chose a pig.

Tessa: Well, it's frankly known that pigs are the most intelligent species, that's why.

Brooke: Well, then we all know why Andrea chose the rabbit.

Andrea: Just keep your fingers clear. He scratches.

Brooke: Kinky. Exactly why I brought a snake.

Andrea: Okay, let's do this. Say it with me.

Andrea, Tessa, Brooke: "From strike of twelve count twenty-four, that's how long the spell is for, turn these gifts into a mate, and then my lonely heart abate."

(Nothing happens.)

Tessa: Okay, that was fun. Can I go now?

Andrea: Wait, didn't Phoebe say some of the words were wrong?

Brooke: Why don't you call her?

Andrea: I don't have to. The power of technology.

(She gets her tape recorder and plays it.)

Phoebe's voice: No dates required. (Andrea rewinds the tape.) From strike of twelve count twenty-four, that's how long the spell is for, if to abate my lonely heart, enchant these gifts I thee impart.

(A bright light and smoke fill the room. Then the animals turn into three naked men.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: Manor. Kitchen. Piper's there. Prue comes in looking like she just woke up.]

Piper: What's wrong with this picture?

Prue: Okay, is that rhetorical or do I actually have to open my eyes to look at something?

Piper: Well, it's a weekday and Phoebe Halliwell is already at campus, while Prue Halliwell, master of the morning meetings, sultan of scheduling and queen of...

Prue: Cut it.

Piper: How's it feel to be footloose and office free?

Prue: Amazing. You know what I'm gonna do today?

Piper: What?

Prue: Absolutely nothing.

Piper: Really? Really, Prue? Nothing entails physically doing nothing, thinking about nothing and worrying about nothing, as suppose to your sister here who's so in the middle of something.

Prue: Okay, sweetie, what is wrong?

Piper: Well, for starters there is tomorrow. (Prue doesn't know what she's talking about.) Valentine's Day.

Prue: Wow, I completely forgot. See? I'm doing nothing already.

Piper: And Dan wants me to have a V-day dinner with him.

Prue: Oh, that's good.

Piper: Yeah, except for the fact that there's...

Prue: Leo. I mean, he is mortal now, doesn't that change things? Piper, you're my sister and I'm with you whatever and whoever you choose.

[Scene: College. The dorm.]

Pig guy: I need to eat.

(The rabbit guy comes out of Andrea's room.)

Rabbit guy: Another satisfied customer.

Tessa: (to the pig) You've already eaten everything in our fridge. Brooke will be back with food any minute. Just wait, okay?

Rabbit guy: Whoa, what are we supposed to do until then?

Snake guy: Fine question. What should we do? You two are acting like nothing's changed. Like you're still trapped in the confines of your cages. Behaving like animals.

Tessa: That's what you are.

Snake guy: Not anymore, thanks to you. You've been given a gift. It's time to take it out for a test drive. What it looks like from up here.

Tessa: You can't. I mean, you have to stay here. (They walks towards the door.) Wait.

(They walk outside in the hallway and they are still naked.)

Girl: (pleased with what she sees) Ohh!

(They walk down the hallway. Ethan walks around the corner holding a basket full of his clothes. He stops in front of them.)

Snake: Is there a problem?

Ethan: Uh, yeah, try covering up, dude.

(They look down and notice they're naked.)

Snake: Remedy the situation.

(The rabbit pushes Ethan against the wall and takes his basket.)

Ethan: Hey! Hey, man.

(The rabbit pushes him and scratches him and he falls to the floor.)

[Scene: P3. Piper carries a huge heart made out of flowers over to the bar. She notices a small bunch of flowers lying on the bar.]

Piper: Who are these for?

(Leo pops up from behind the bar.)

Leo: They're for you. I know they're not much.

Piper: They're beautiful. Um, but Leo...

Leo: But it's, you know, the best I could do. You know, no I.D., no transportation, no money. I just wanted you to have something to mark the day.

Piper: Thank you. I have something for you too. Although not nearly as romantic but still a good thing. (She holds up some money.) Your first pay check, or cash rather. I thought it would be easier.

(She hands it to him.)

Leo: So did I. Anyway, thanks. Looks like after everything, I'm still working for the Charmed Ones.

Piper: Is all this... you doing okay with it?

Leo: Yeah, I gotta make it up as I go. Piper, if me being here is awkward for you...

Piper: No, um, what's there to be awkward about?

Leo: These go in the back, right?

(He picks up a tray of glasses and takes them to the store room.)

Piper: Mmm hmm. (Dan comes down the stairs carrying a big bunch of flowers. He walks over to Piper.) What are those? I thought that we were gonna wait until tonight.

(He puts them on the bar covering up Leo's flowers.)

Dan: You're right. (He picks them back up.) I should take them back.

Piper: Don't you dare. Give them to me. (He gives them to her.) They're beautiful. Thank you. (They hug. Dan sees Leo walk out of the store room.)

Dan: Uh, Piper.

Piper: Mmm hmm.

Dan: Is there something you wanted to tell me?

Piper: Not that I know of.

Dan: You sure?

(Leo walks up to them.)

Leo: Dan.

Dan: Leo. (Leo walks between them and picks up the huge heart made of flowers. He walks away with it.) You never mentioned he was here.

Piper: Leo's here. You're right. I meant to and then things got busy, so, um, I didn't and I'm sorry. He's just helping out.

Dan: With what exactly?

Piper: Um, you know, handy man, busboy, bar back, security type stuff. He needed a place to and it's really not a big deal, Dan.

Dan: That's just the point, it is. When you were sick, you called out his name, not mine and I was right there with you. When he's around, you're, I don't know, different. We're different. How do you want me to handle that?

Piper: And to tell you truth, if the situation were reversed, I don't know how I would feel. But I do know how I feel right now.

Dan: How do you feel?

Piper: Like for the first time in a very long time I'm actually looking forward to a Valentine's Day dinner and you're the reason.

(He hugs her and Leo watches them from the other side of the room.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue's sitting on the couch. She's on the phone.]

Prue: Uh, is Brianna there? Of course she's at work. Um, yeah, hi, this is Prue calling. No, you can actually just erase that number. She can reach me at home. Home, I'll be home. Okay, bye. (She hangs up. She sees a vase of flowers on the dresser. She tries to center it using her power but it keeps sliding over too far. She sits there looking bored. The phone rings and she answers it.) Prue Hall... hello?

Phoebe: Hello, yourself. How is the life of leisure going?

Prue: It's great. I don't know why you ever gave it up.

Phoebe: Yeah, because that house is only big enough for one home bound Halliwell. Hey, I'm just on my way to class but I wanted to know if Brooke or Andrea or Tessa called.

Prue: No, no one called. Nobody. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

[Cut to Phoebe.]

Phoebe: That is so weird. They never showed up for our section today.

(Pig guy sees a barbeque with sausages on it and a sign with a pig holding a hot dog. He grabs the guy cooking the sausages.)

Pig guy: How could you do this to them? (He throws the guy on the ground and picks up the sausages.) Run, run my brothers! Run free! (He throws them up in the air.)

Prue: Um, so hey, Phoebe, I was wondering if maybe we could meet for lunch and if you're pressed for time, then I can just come to campus.

Phoebe: Actually I was gonna pick up a sandwich on the way to class.

Prue: Okay, so what about after class? We could go to the gym. (Phoebe sees the rabbit guy hurting a girl.) Pheebs?

Phoebe: I gotta go, Prue. (She hangs up.)

Girl: You're hurting me. Stop! Get off!

(Phoebe walks over to them and taps the rabbit guy on the shoulder.

Phoebe: Hey, is there a problem? (Phoebe has a premonition of the rabbit guy biting someone. The premonition ends and the rabbit guy turns around and Phoebe trips him. He runs off.) Are you okay?

Girl: Yeah.

(Phoebe runs after the rabbit guy. She sees him jump over a wall with one leap.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: P3. Prue walks in. Piper's wrapping Dan's present.]

Prue: Oh, we so have to cancel your Martha Stewart subscription.

(She sits down.)

Piper: When I start making flower boxes out of milk cartons, then you can shoot me.

Prue: So, um, do you need help with anything?

Piper: What happened to doing nothing?

Prue: I'm finished.

Piper: You can't finish doing nothing.

Prue: So then how do you know when you're done?

Piper: Put your finger on this. (Prue puts her finger on a ribbon.) It's for Dan.

Prue: What did you get him?

Piper: A book on San Francisco architecture. I know, I know, it's a little too impersonal for Valentine's Day but...

Prue: No, no. Show's that you know him. It's perfect for him. Uh, what did you get Leo?

Piper: Leo? But should I? Tonight?

Prue: Yeah.

(Phoebe enters.)

Phoebe: Hi.

Prue: Hey.

Phoebe: Okay, guess what I saw on Pheeb TV.

Piper: No, not a premonition. It's Valentine's Day. Can't there be some kind of supernatural day off?

Prue: What did you see?

Phoebe: There was a guy on campus harassing this girl, so I tried to stop him and wham! it was really weird. Like a guy biting a girl.

Piper: Biting? Or kissing? It is that time of year, it could've been kissing.

Phoebe: Hmm, maybe, it could have been I guess.

Piper: Most people kiss on Valentine's Day, except of course for witches. No, witches don't get to kiss on Valentine's Day because something always comes up.

Prue: Okay, so maybe it was just some drunk frat guy and his chick of the moment.

Phoebe: Yeah, maybe. It just, it wasn't very clear. And then I followed him and I think he jumped over this wall.

Prue: He jumped over a wall?

Phoebe: Yeah, well, there was a ladder pretty close.

Piper: Phoebe, come on. Doesn't anybody care that I have dinner plans tonight with Dan?

(Piper holds up the book.)

Phoebe: Oh, honey, is that what he got you? I mean, it's nice and all just a little impersonal. (Piper groans, crosses her arms on the table and buries her head in them.) What'd you get for Leo? What'd you get Leo?

[Scene: College. The dorm corridor.]

Tessa: But we missed section.

Andrea: It's Valentine's Day. I wanna find my date.

Tessa: Are you sure? I mean, this isn't natural. You said it was just a joke and now they are human beings.

Andrea: Pretty cool, huh?

Tessa: No, no it's not. I think we should turn them back.

Brooke: Just chill. We'll just wait until midnight and they'll turn back on their own.

Andrea: Yeah.

(They walk in their room. The rabbit, pig and snake guy are there. The snake's holding the spell book.)

Snake guy: What does this mean?

Andrea: It's a spell. That's what made you human.

Rabbit guy: Yes, but for how long?

(You see his fingers are starting to turn back into rabbit claws.)

Snake Guy: He asked you a question.

Brooke: Twenty-four hours. Actually now it’s more like twelve.

Snake Guy: Well, fix it. We’ve decided we would like to stay this way.

Rabbit Guy: Yeah, we’re having fun.

Andrea: Yeah, sure looks like it. Am I wrong here but aren’t you supposed to be mine?

Snake Guy: Aren’t you having fun, Andrea? You know, you can have much more fun if we had more time.

Brooke: I might know how.

Tessa: No.

Brooke: Okay, we can't but I might know someone who might. Phoebe. She’ll be at the party tonight.

Andrea: Wait, I have the class roster. I know where she lives.

Snake Guy: Show us the way.

Pig Guy: Uh, we’re gonna eat though, right?

Tessa: Guys, I really don’t think we should…

Snake Guy: Why don’t you go on ahead. We’ll catch up. (Brooke and Andrea leave.) Now why do you have to be such a little trouble maker?

Commercial Break

[Scene: Book store. Phoebe and Piper are picking out a card for Leo.]

Piper: Thanks for keeping me company.

Phoebe: Better here than at the club with Prue. Her boredom has turned her into the demon of decoration.

Piper: Why don’t they make a card that says "You used to be my Whitelighter and now your wings are clipped and now you’re sleeping in my club."

Phoebe: Or how about "You snooze, you lose, and now I’m getting naked with the neighbor." (Piper hits her on the arm.) Ow, hey. (Phoebe picks up a card.) How about this one? (She reads it.) Oh, yeah, yeah, very sweet. Ta assussa sasa.

Piper: And what is that supposed to say?

Phoebe: That says something in Portuguese but at least you won’t have to worry about him taking it the wrong way.

Piper: Thank you. (Phoebe notices the spell book in the shop.) "To the special person who lights up my day. I’ll treasure you always."

Phoebe: Ohh, of course.

Piper: And then I’ll spit up on myself.

(Phoebe laughs.)

Phoebe: Ooh, the girls in school are reading this. (She picks up the spell book.) The ones in my class. We are so in right now.

Piper: We are not in. Love is and this stuff gives people hope that they can find it.

Phoebe: Yeah, the problem is people think they can get into magic without dealing with the consequences.

Piper: But this stuff, none of it's like in the Book of Shadows. For one thing, it doesn’t really work. I mean, normal people can’t make this work. (Phoebe remembers something.) Right? Pheebs?

Phoebe: Not without a little help. Um, I have to go call Prue. I think I need her help with something.

(Phoebe runs off.)

Piper: Something to do? She’ll be thrilled. (Piper picks up another card.) Okey dokey. (All it says on it is "For you always.") Now that’s a card. (She puts it back and picks up another one.) This’ll do.

(She leaves. You see Leo standing in the next aisle. He’s holding the "For you always" card.)

[Scene: P3. Piper walks down the stairs.]

Piper: Hello? Worker bees? Anyone? (She notices petals on the floor leading to somewhere. She follows them into the alcove. She opens the curtains and sees wine and glasses on the table. Dan’s there holding a tulip.)

Dan: I’m sure this’ll ruin the dinner that I’m gonna buy you tonight but…

Piper: You are so sweet. (She looks at the bottle of wine.) Piper red label?

Dan: Well, with a name like that, I figured it would be the best. I mean, this is our first holiday. The holiday invented by Hallmark. But it’s just the same. (Piper’s still holding the card for Leo and she hides it behind her back so Dan doesn’t see.)

Dan: Is that for me?

Piper: Uh…

(He takes the card and reads it.)

Dan: "To a dear friend on Valentines Day." Piper, it’s nice to know that you’re deeply in like with me. It isn’t for me, it’s for Leo, isn’t it?

Piper: What do you want me to say?

Dan: How about no.

Piper: Dan, you read it. Read it again. It says to a friend. And I’m sorry but I’m not interested in ending that particular friendship.

Dan: I’m not sure that’s all he sees it as.

Piper: I come with a past. We all do. It’s a package. One I would like to share with you but you can’t pick and choose. You get all of me.

Dan: Do I?

Piper: Okay, um, I’ve gotta work, so why don’t I just see you tonight.

Dan: Fine.

(He walks away.)

Piper: Fine. Oh, I just love Valentine's Day.

[Scene: Manor. The rabbit guy smashes the glass on the front door and puts his hand in to open the door.]

Brooke: You can’t do this.

Andrea: This is going too far.

(They walk inside.)

Snake Guy: Rules like cages, were meant to be broken.

Brooke: Okay, since leaving campus, you guys have beaten a pedestrian to a pulp and played chicken with a car. Are you on something?

Andrea: Or just your average crazy? Look, Tessa seemed fine but if she’s really not feeling well like you said, we should go home. Or at least call her.

Snake Guy: We need Phoebe.

(The pig guy pulls some skin off the back of the snake guys neck and there’s snake skin underneath.)

Andrea: Oh, my God.

Pig Guy: What’s happening?

Rabbit Guy: We’re changing back.

Brooke: The spell said this would happen. Look, Phoebe’s not here and there’s nothing we can do to change things. It’s not like we made up the rules.

Andrea: God, Tessa was right. We shouldn’t have done this.

(The snake grabs Andrea. She screams and he bites her on the neck. She falls to the floor.)

Snake Guy: She talked too much.

(The rabbit guy grabs Brooke.)

Brooke: Don’t touch me.

Pig guy: Guys stop! This isn't fun anymore.

Rabbit guy: Yes it is.

Snake guy: Next time you want a dangerous man, you might wanna make sure he's not poisonous.

(She screams and he bites her on the neck. She falls on the floor.)

Pig guy: Why'd you do that?

Snake guy: Paper. Give me the paper.

(The rabbit gets Phoebe's flier out of his pocket and gives it to him.)

Pig guy: Are they...?

Snake guy: They will be.

Rabbit guy: Don't we need both of them and Phoebe for the spell? That's how it worked before.

Snake guy: Four hours until we turn back. Four hours until they die from the poison. I think that information might motivate this Phoebe to help us. (His snake tongue sticks out.) Her scent, it's everywhere. She's not here right now.

Pig guy: Let's go home, okay guys. I've had enough. We're not meant to be like this. (He starts crying. They walk up to him.) What? Come on, guys, what? No. Not me.

(They both squeeze him really hard and he starts squealing like a pig. He falls to the floor.)

Snake guy: I didn't think he'd ever shut up.

[Scene: College. The dorms. Phoebe and Prue are walking down the hallway.]

Prue: Since when do mortals cast spells that actually work?

Phoebe: Look, I know that book is probably a total cheese fest, but what if? The spell called for living objects, my premonition and that guy who could leap tall buildings in a single bounce. Something is wrong, I know it.

(A guy walks past them wearing only a towel.)

Prue: Oh, higher education. Maybe, I need to come back to college to study something.

(They walk up to Tessa, Brooke, and Andrea's room. Ethan's there.)

Phoebe: Oh, Ethan.

Ethan: Hey.

Phoebe: What happened, honey?

(She notices the cut on his forehead.)

Ethan: Oh, it's nothing. Just some drunk frat guy.

Prue: Yeah, seems to be a lot of that going around.

Phoebe: Uh, this is my sister Prue.

Ethan: Hey.

Prue: Hey.

Ethan: Well, I just knocked buy nobody was in. I thought I'd give them some hell for missing section today but, I mean, Andrea and Brooke would totally bail out but it doesn't really seem like Tessa, you know. Then again, it is Valentine's Day, maybe they had something better to do.

(Phoebe stares dreamily at Ethan.)

Phoebe: Do you?

Prue: Okay, gotta go, busy, busy. Nice meeting you, Ethan.

(They shake hands.)

Ethan: Nice to meet you and I'll see you tonight.

Phoebe: Okay.

(Ethan walks past them and Phoebe goes to follow but Prue stops her.)

Prue: I'm sorry, okay.

Phoebe: Oh, you're right. Love needs a backseat to duty.

Prue: What's that about love in a backseat? (She uses her power and unlocks the door. They walk in.) Because mum, dad, your birth. That's how you were. God, this place is a mess. I mean, boys are bad but this is a pig sty.

Phoebe: I don't think they did this.

Prue: Hey, is this the spell book?

(The book's on the floor.)

Phoebe: Yeah.

(They hear noises in the closet.)

Prue: What was that?

Phoebe: It's in the closet.

(They walk over and open the closet. Tessa is in there locked in a cage.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Living room. Prue, Phoebe and Tessa are there.]

Phoebe: Look Tessa, I know what you've been through has been really hard but the only way that we can help you is if you tell us what happened.

Tessa: There's no way that you'd understand.

Prue: You won't find two more understanding people in this particular instincts.

Tessa: It just sounds crazy and you'll think that I'm...

Phoebe: Very brave for facing whatever it is.

Tessa: You remember that spell that we showed you in class? Well, it worked. Not liked it helped us meet guys, it helped us make guys out of animals.

Phoebe: And you did this from the spell in that book?

Tessa: Yeah, and we even played back the tape that we were recording in class so we could hear your corrections for the spell. (Phoebe and Prue look at each other.) But before we had a chance to chant the new version, there they were.

Prue: Alright, so what is it you think these men want with you?

Tessa: I don't know. Maybe it's our fault because we tried to make them into something they're not.

Phoebe: No, you can't blame yourself for the action of other people. We're gonna fix this. First we have to fix you. I'll be right back. (She walks in the kitchen and looks in a cupboard.) If I were hydrogen peroxide, where would I be? (She hears a noise in a closet.)

[Cut back to Prue and Tessa. Prue notices the broken glass on the door.]

Prue: Phoebe!

[Cut back to Phoebe.]

Phoebe: Prue, where do we keep the hydrogen peroxide?

(Phoebe opens a closet and the pig guy falls out on top of her. Prue and Tessa run in the kitchen. Phoebe pushes the pig off her.)

Tessa: Oh my gosh. He was one of them, except he didn't look like that.

Prue: The spell must be wearing off.

Phoebe: They're starting to look and act more like animals.

Prue: Alright, look, they have killed one of their own, there's no telling what they're gonna do or what they already have done to your friends.

Phoebe: Do you know what they want?

Tessa: You.

Phoebe: What?

Tessa: They're having fun and they wanna stay this way and Andrea told them that you'd be able to help them.

Phoebe: Where are they now?

Tessa: There. (She gets the flier off the fridge.) That's where I think they'll be.

[Scene: Side of the road. The snake guy and rabbit guy are there with a broken down car. A car drives past and they wave him to stop.]

Man: You guys need some help?

Snake guy: You could say that. I think we're outta gas.

Man: What can I do for you?

(The snake guy's eyes turn into snake eyes.)

Snake guy: You could not scream.

(The rabbit guy jumps on the bonnet of the car. Then the snake guy jumps on the roof, runs across it, leans over the edge and strangles the guy. Rabbit guy opens the boot of the other car and Andrea and Brooke are in there.)

Rabbit guy: Okay, ladies, papa's gotta brand new set of wheels.

[Scene: P3. Piper's talking on her cell phone.]

Piper: Prue, the place is full of snakes. How am I suppose to pick out the right one? Did I mention I have dinner plans with Dan? Okay, you're five minutes away? Okay, as fast as you can would be good.

(She hangs up.)

Leo: Everything okay?

Piper: Of course not. Prue and Phoebe have found a problem. Two of them actually and they're bringing their dates here.

Leo: On the night when you have a date of your own, huh?

Piper: Just ear mark anyone looking for Phoebe.

(Ethan walks up to Piper and Leo.)

Ethan: Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to know if Phoebe Halliwell is anywhere around here, would you?

Piper: She should be here any minute and if you'd sit down over there and don't move you'd have a perfect view.

(Ethan goes over and sits at the bar.)

Leo: You think he's...

Piper: Could be.

Leo: Let me help.

Piper: No, Leo, thank you, but now that you've lost your wings, I'm... I don't want you to get hurt.

(Leo sees Dan walk down the stairs and he walks away. Dan comes up to Piper.)

Dan: Hey. Will you be my valentine?

Piper: I hope so. Especially after...

Dan: Today. Well, tonight's tonight. So let's get started.

Piper: Um, about that.

Dan: You're kidding. Just tell me you're kidding.

Piper: What?

Dan: Wait, let me guess, It's something with your sisters, or maybe you'll be vague and just say something important's come up, or my favorite of all time - it's a matter of life and death.

Piper; Actually, what I was going to say, if you would let me, is that I'm running a little late and could you please wait for me at the bar.

(She walks away. The rabbit and snake guy enter the club. They walk around looking for Phoebe. Prue, Phoebe and Tessa enter the club. Phoebe's holding a pen and paper.)

Leo: Hi guys.

Prue: Hey.

Leo: Piper's stressing in the alcove.

Prue: Tessa, Leo, Leo, Tessa. Can you watch her for us for a little while please?

Leo: Yeah, sure.

Prue: Phoebe, how's the spell coming?

Phoebe: It'd be coming a lot better if I could get my hands on a pinch of the salt of life.

Leo: We got the salt of margaritas.

Phoebe: I will take it.

(Prue and Phoebe go in the alcove.)

Tessa: So, who are you?

Leo: I'm, uh, just a friend.

[Cut to the alcove.]

Prue: Hey, how's my stressed out sister and her something?

Piper: Well, we've moved past something and straight into everything. The view sucks, I don't recommend it. How goes the battle plan?

Prue: Well, we didn't find anything in the Book Of Shadows.

Phoebe: Which makes sense because the animen or whatever were created by careless magic, not supernatural evil.

Piper: So where does that leave us?

Prue: In the hands of our spellbinding sister who's writing a little hocus pocus to turn these men back into animals before they get completely out of control.

Phoebe: Easier said than done. I do not work well under pressure.

Prue: Any sign of him?

Piper: Well, I've been watching that one who came in looking for Phoebe but he doesn't seem so creepy.

(They look at Ethan.)

Prue: Yeah, the only magic Phoebe wants to work on him is personal. That's her date.

Piper: Oh. Why do we seem to have a habit of gathering our men at the scene of the supernatural smack down?

Phoebe: It's part of our charm.

(Morris arrives.)

Morris: Hey, ladies.

Piper: Hey, Darryl. Please tell me you're here for a nice romantic evening with your wife.

Darryl: No, that'd be what I'm late for.

Piper: Join the club.

Morris: I'm here as a friend. It's not my case -------. string of violent crimes in the campus, to your neighborhood, all the way here to the parking lot. Stolen blue and grey --------- were driving - parked outside. A couple of units are on their way, so...

Prue: Thanks for the heads up.

Piper: I'll warn security.

(Leo comes in and hands the salt to Phoebe.)

Phoebe: Oh, thanks Leo.

Leo: Uh, Tessa says Andrea and Brooke aren't here.

Tessa: But they are.

(They see snake guy and rabbit guy coming towards them.)

Snake guy: Phoebe, so nice to smell you.

Phoebe: He just spotted me.

(The snake peels some skin off his face and snake skin is underneath.)

Prue: Okay, how are we doing on that spell?

Phoebe: You know, you keep throwing this 'we' word around and I don't see you doing anything.

(Morris gets out his gun.)

Morris: Wait.

Prue: Darryl, no! (Morris goes up to the snake and rabbit. Prue astral projects in front of him.) Darryl, wait.

Phoebe: Okay, I got it.

Snake guy: (to Prue) Make us human. By the time you find your friends, they'll be dead.

Phoebe: Okay. "Something wicked in our midst, in human form these spirits dwell..."

Prue: Phoebe, no!

(Prue astral projects back in her body.)

Phoebe: "Make them animals sayth the spell."

Prue: Phoebe, they hid the girls. Okay, we need to keep them human until we find out where they are.

(Phoebe looks out of the alcove and sees everyone in the club has turned into animals.)

Phoebe: Ohh!

Prue: Okay, what's going on?

Phoebe: Uh, the good news is the spell worked.

Prue: And the bad news?

Phoebe: The spell worked on everyone.

(Prue and Piper look out of the alcove.)

Piper: I don't have a permit for this kind of party.

Commercial Break

[Scene: P3. Prue and Piper are putting the rabbit and snake in boxes.]

Piper: (singing) Old McPiper had a farm... (They hear a cow moo.) Was that a moo? Phoebe, fix this.

Phoebe: Rome was not built in a day, Piper.

Piper: Yeah, but my club was ruined in a blink of an eye.

Prue: At least we don't have to try and figure out what species our innocence are.

Phoebe: Yeah, but if Tessa's right and they're not here, then what?

Prue: Well, right before you cast the spell, the snake said something about if we don't make them human, then the girls will die.

Piper: Okay, so how much time do we have?

Phoebe: Tessa said the spell lasts for twenty-four hours and they cast it at midnight, so...

Piper: That's in thirty-five minutes.

Prue: Didn't Morris say something about the man's stolen car parked somewhere outside?

Piper: Yeah, followed by the police who are on their way here right now.

Phoebe: Okay, you know, I made this mess, let me clean it up. You guys have to find Brooke and Andrea because if my premonition was right...

Piper: As they always are.

Phoebe: And they probably were both bitten by that snake, which means that if they don't get medical attention they could die.

Prue: Alright, we'll go try find something in the car, a hint that will lead us to them.

Piper: Okay, Phoebe, you try and turn this room back and we will try to find the girls and...

(A monkey kisses Phoebe on the cheek.)

Phoebe: Um, uh...

Piper: Go kiss someone else.

Prue: Let's take these guys with us, make sure they don't turn human.

(They pick up the boxes.)

Piper: Are you sure we've got the right ones?

Prue: Well, yeah, it was the only rabbit and snake next to each other.

Phoebe: And the only two that put up a fight. (Prue and Piper start walking towards the door.) Whoa, they're fleeing. Piper, how about a little supernatural corral? (Piper freezes all the animals.) Thank you. (Prue and Piper leave.) Okay, I would like you all to know that I'm vegetarian, okay. I have never eaten any of you.

[Cut to outside. Prue and Phoebe are carrying the boxes out to the car park.]

Prue: Why do I have to carry the poisonous snake?

Piper: Because you're the oldest.

Prue: So?

Piper: So you've lived a full life.

Prue: Wait, you think that's the car over there?

Piper: What, you want me to ask him?

(She shakes the box.)

Prue: You know what? You're a smart ass. Come on, we don't have much time.

(They walk over to the car and puts the boxes on the ground.)

[Cut back to Phoebe. The animals unfreeze. A dog starts eating Phoebe's herbs.]

Phoebe: No! Bad dog. Icksnay on icklingay. Alright, you know what? Nobody bothers the witch, okay. If we all remain calm, I will have everything under control and back to normal, alright?

[Cut back to Prue and Piper. They'd just finished looking in the car.]

Piper: Nothing. Now what?

Prue: Trunk. (Prue uses her power and opens the trunk. They see Brooke and Andrea there.) Oh my God.

(Piper feels their pulse.)

Piper: They have a pulse. It's still there but it's faint and we need to get them to the hospital now.

Prue: Alright.

[Cut back to Phoebe.]

Phoebe: "Undo the magic acted here, reverse the spell so all is clear."

(All the animals turn back into humans.)

[Cut back to outside. The rabbit and snake turn back into humans as well. The snake grabs Piper. The rabbit goes over to Prue.]

Prue: Piss off, Thumper! (She uses her power and he crashes into wooden boxes. The snake tries to bite Piper.) Oh, oh!

Piper: What's happening?

Prue: Phoebe reversed the spell. It must have worked on all the animals. Piper, hold on.

(Prue uses her power and Piper and the snake fly through the air and hit the wall. The rabbit jumps on and she kicks him off. Piper grabs a long piece of wood and hits him between the legs.)

Piper: How's it feel to be a man now? (She punches him in the face and knocks him out. The rabbit gets ready to scratch Prue and Piper freezes him.) What do you say we wake up Dr. Poison here and move him... move, uh, Thumper there right into his fangs.

Prue: I've got a better idea. Come on.

[Time lapse. A policeman is putting snake guy and the rabbit guy in the car.]

Rabbit guy: At least we're human for good now.

Snake guy: Shut up.

(The car drives off. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are standing there.)

Prue: So it looks like they got what they wanted. They get to be treated like humans.

Phoebe: And caged like them too.

(Morris comes up to them.)

Morris: You three sure are re-writing my book on public service.

Piper: So the girls are gonna be okay?

Morris: Yeah. They're on their way to the hospital. I think you found them just in time. How did... I'm not even gonna ask.

Prue: Remember when our biggest concern on Valentine's Day was who to spend it with?

Piper: Still is.

Prue: Yeah, maybe for you. I was dateless tonight.

Phoebe: Speaking of dates - don't I have one in there?

[Cut to inside. Phoebe is dancing with Ethan and Prue and Piper are sitting at the bar.]

Prue: You know, I never knew how exhausting not having a job could be.

Piper: Table four needs to be bussed.

Prue: Okay, I'm serious. No, it's like having a job just sort of made this whole Charmed thing less stressful. It gave me something else to worry about.

Piper: So the Prue of old wins out after all.

Prue: I like being busy.

Piper: And why mess with a good thing?

Prue: Yeah, I just need to find something that I love getting busy at.

Piper: Speaking of getting busy, check out our little sister.

(They watch Phoebe dancing with Ethan.)

Prue: Oh, my. Just hope she doesn't do eighties dancing. I'm ready to go home. Bye.

(She leaves.)

[Cut to Phoebe and Ethan.]

Ethan: Phoebe, there's something...

Phoebe: Oh, no, in my teeth? (You see a feather in her hair. He takes it out.) Oh! That's, uh, that's-that's-that's really strange.

Commercial Break

[Scene: P3. Dan and Piper are sitting at the bar.]

Dan: You're not a beck and call kind of girl, I get that.

Piper: I have a job that takes time, a family that takes time and making you and me work is gonna take time. I need to know that you're willing to deal with it with me.

Dan: You know I am. As long as you realize who I am. Sometimes I get jealous. I wonder where you are, who you're with and that's me. You can't make me something I'm not. Work with me, yes but change me. (He shakes his head.)

Piper: Relationships are hard work.

Dan: Especially on an empty stomach. Do you think we can talk about this over dinner?

Piper: Magic words. (They start walking towards the stairs.) Oh, I forgot my purse. I'll meet you outside.

(She walks in the alcove and picks up her purse. A card is sticking out of it. She starts reading it.)

Leo's voice: Piper, when we first met you thought I was just a handyman. Well, I'm just a handyman again. The same guy you fell in love with. The same guy who fell in love with you. For who you are, not who I think you are. Remember that and know that I'm not giving up.

(Piper and Leo look at each other from across the room. They start walking towards each other. They meet up and start kissing. Then you see her standing there in the alcove. It was only a daydream. She looks over at Leo, they smile and she walks outside.)

End

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